Michael Gravel Edmonton Writer

Walking The 'Doon

I’ve joined the mall walkers. With E-Town side streets and walkways approaching amateur rink quality, my regular walking regimen has become troublesome. I won’t join a gym and a treadmill (as much as I’d love to have one) is out of the question in our 750 sq ft hovel. There appears to be only one alternative: Walk the mall. Bonnie Doon Mall that is. It’s a scant five blocks from home. Yes, this is the same type of walking that the 65+ crowd lines up for. I haven’t gone so far as to get my mall walker t-shirt, but you never know. It might go well with my Hel Fucking Vetica shirt.

Rules

Mall walkers must observe certain rules of conduct. I have here compiled a list of these rules that you are free to disseminate and follow / break at your leisure.

1. Don’t walk during busy hours. Walking the halls is OK at 8 am on a Tuesday and supremely not cool at 1pm on a Saturday. You’ll mow down the stunned walkers and slow gawkers and possibly collect yourself a lawsuit, not to mention the unwelcome distinction of being “that guy who mows down old people”.
2. Don’t acknowledge your fellow walkers. They don’t care and don’t want to know you. If you try to talk to another walker, you’ll be ignored, kicked, or swatted.
3. The Restaurant. When you walk by the in-mall restaurant, it is permissible to look at the dining patrons on your first circuit only. Any looking beyond that and you may endure some vague mockery from the pisstanks in the corner who are downing bottles of Canadian before noon. The family having a late breakfast may laugh out loud at you.
4. Super Fast Walking. Generally frowned upon. Walk a decent pace and don’t make the other walkers look like jackasses. Passing an older person and chuckling under your breath isn’t cool.
5. Casual Dress Is Preferred. Jackets are acceptable, as are denims, khakis, and khaki shorts. Real athletic attire – with the exception of running shoes – is not acceptable. The mall is not a gym, and we don’t need any serious-ass bullshit down here.
6. The After Party. When done your walk, do not join the crowds of people in the food court unless you are over 60. If you do join them, be prepared to endure niceties, offers of coffee, and raging political diatribes. The PC Party is a favorite topic of conversation.
7. Take The Julius. At the end of a long walk, an Orange Julius may be consumed guilt-free. An order of A & W onion rings may not. Taco Time Mexi Fries? They’re not really mexican, but yeah, take them. What the hell. There are defibrillators located throughout the mall.

If you see me walking the mall, don’t say hello. Don’t take it personally. I simply don’t want to be disturbed. After my walk, if I see you in the food court I’ll buy you a coffee. You can buy me a Julius. Small orange. No banana.

Entry #73 · February 25, 2008 in