Michael Gravel Edmonton Writer

Monopoly Mavens

If you’re gonna step up to the plate and play Monopoly with me, you better be ready for a good dose of ruin. As far as I’m concerned, there are no “nice guy” rules in Monopoly. The object of the game is to DESTROY your opponents, whoever they may be.

Saturday night, the wife and kid decide it’s board game night. They bust out the Monopoly board, not foreseeing the smackdown they’re about to receive. I choose the horse and rider gamepiece because I want a sense of apocalypse to permeate my every move. I win the die toss to determine who goes first. Bam. I buy Reading Railroad on my first turn. My first circuit around the board and I’ve got four properties – two of them railroads. I’m off to a good start. Eventually I acquire my favorite properties: Mediterranean Avenue and Baltic Avenue – the outhouses of the board. It isn’t long before I turn those sinking flophouses into two-star gems complete with quarter-taking beds and door locks that don’t really lock. The girls make a valiant effort, but they are unaccustomed to the ruthless gameplay that I have honed over years of playing with my exponentially more ruthless friends. My railroads put me in the money and soon I own a quarter of the board. Kerry balks at my aggression, telling me to “take it easy”. I laughed a deep belly laugh as I took the rest of her property in lieu of a $1000 rent payment. The kid held out for a few more turns, but as soon as she landed on Atlantic Avenue with its highrise casino and tree-trunk hit men, it was all over but the crying.

All of this was in fun, of course. My victory was hollow and ephemeral. I’ll get my comeuppance once we start the crib tournament or the canasta marathon. Then you will see me reeling like a ten year old who just got his first ass tanning. Cards have never been my thing.

Entry #65 · January 22, 2008 in