Nov
22
2006
Waxing Prosaic About Long Underwear
I'm sitting here sipping my tea and thanking The Holy Christ that I'm not outside. With temperatures dropping below -20, it's time to break out the heavy artillery. It's Helly Hansen season in Edmonton. What are 'Helly Hansens', you ask? They're a brand of blue-colored underwear, and they are the warmest things you can wrap around your ballsack (or your hee-haw, as the case may be). There are many varieties of Helly Hansens, but I prefer the heavy weight, polypropylene work-style underwear. They don't absorb anything and they insulate like jack the bear. If you don't own any, the only question I have is, "why not?"
On our recent trip to Nova Scotia, the family and I made a pilgrimage to the Stanfield's (world-famous manufacturers of practical, rugged, made-in-Canada mens and ladies underwear) factory in Truro. You may be asking yourself, WHY would anyone want to visit an underwear factory? You'd be right to question the mental stability of that person. But that person is ME. And I get obsessive about this shit. I've been a fierce and loyal fan of Stanfields for 15 years. Every fucking pair of gonch that graces my backside bears the Stanfields label. Nothing else will do. So it was with great joy that I visited their factory outlet and picked up a pair of ONE PIECE long johns. The kind with the trap door. Hot-ass Blazing Red. Right from the place they were born. My wife and stepdaughter-to-be did not share my enthusiasm. They looked upon me with pity, as one might look upon a mad fool on some arcane and meaningless quest. But I won. I got the long johns that every man dreams of. Right from the fucking factory. My two ladies have been making jokes at my expense ever since. They can envision me sitting on a rocking chair on the porch, donned in my Reds, shotgun in hand, scaring the neighbours. You never know. It just might come to that.
Unfortunately, when it comes to REALLY keeping the nads warm, The Stanfields Reds are somewhat lacking. Oh sure, they're awesome from a fashion perspective. But they don't keep in the heat like the Hellys. Still, whenever I pull on the silky blue Hellys I feel as though I am being unfaithful to my beloved Reds.
